Public affairs attaché, faux social scientist with three degrees from the University of Village Life, Mrs. Washington has just published her eleventh book, “Free Advice,” notable for the many frivolous lawsuits it has unleashed. A Mayflower descendant, Mrs. Washington joins the ranks of Norfolk Now’s columnists to answer questions from readers.

Dear Mrs. Washington,

My Uncle Bob and Aunt Betty (pseudonyms) are political junkies. How can I stop them from ruining our holidays again? I’ve never voted in my life and the whole subject bores me to tears. I’m truly at my wits’ end.

Dear Wits’ End,

Here are a few quick remarks that are guaranteed to stop any unpleasant conversation in its tracks:

• What’s burning?
• The toilet is backed up again.
• Is your car locked?

Practice these in the mirror until your expression is convincing. If you have a partner, practice with them.

Enjoy,

Mrs. Washington

Dear Mrs. Washington,

I am a closet baker. I love making pies in my Crock-Pot. Sounds great I know but I have a problem. For the last few holidays, my aunts, sisters, nephews etc., all of them seriously bring desserts even though I plead with them not to. When it’s finally time for me to serve my Crock-Pot pie, everyone says “I have no room for pie.” Every holiday for the last five years, I have a screaming meltdown. My family thinks it’s funny. This is a big problem. Seriously, are they trying to hurt my feelings?

Dear Hurt Feelings,

Your Crock-Pot pies sound very enticing. Take advantage of stealth marketing: pack up your pies in doggy bags for your family to take home to eat later. Naturally they will want to share these delicious morsels with friends, neighbors and even strangers, who in turn will share with their friends. Before you know it, you’ll have a baking company and be out of that nasty closet.

Happy Holidays,

Mrs. Washington

Dear Mrs. Washington,

The road to my house is very quiet, and when I drive along it, many of the drivers coming toward me give a little wave as they go by. What is the proper behavior? Should I give a cheery signal, anticipating they will do the same? And what if they do not? And what if I don’t know the person? Please advise.

Dear Please Advise,

The custom of waving as a form of public greeting was made popular during the Bronze Age. Continue the tradition. Wave to everyone, even if they’re strangers. Develop a wave you feel comfortable with. Try it out and remember keep your eyes on the road.

Bon voyage!

Mrs. Washington

Dear Readers,

Thank you for taking my advice to heart. People say thousands have requested my help. I can see why. If you need my expert advice you may reach me at:

Mrs. Washington
Norfolk Now
P.O. Box 702
Norfolk, CT 06058